Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
