I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
