My room smells like vodka and shame
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
