obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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