Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
