as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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