I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
