Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
