Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
