I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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