Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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