so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
