Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
