ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
