Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
