Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
