i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
