I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
