Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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