Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
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The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
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Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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