apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
zippers are such a cool invention
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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