I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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