today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Randomize
