i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
