I think I died a long time ago.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
