Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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