I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
