Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I believe in your delicious
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
