We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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