Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
