I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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