my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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