There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
