We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
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He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
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thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.