I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
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btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
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u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke