I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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