a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.