I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
