i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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