I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
