i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I met the friendliest cop last night
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
