my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
