Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
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