You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
