Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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