WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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