I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize