Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
