I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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