I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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