Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
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