I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
