I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
