My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
