went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
