How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
