my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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