Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
