4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
