What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
