if i can run in heels then i can drive
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
