Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
